Getting older.

In a way, it is a sort of paradox that I feel relieved that not many people actually read the trash that I put here, even though the very reason I actually wrote this is because I would like people to read it. Well, I guess there are many things that are difficult to explain...

Like the emotional tension I'm feeling right now. Fear of failure and rejection is once again stopping me dead in my tracks, forcing me to kill all my emotions before they actually engulf me. It has worked so far, for the last 26 years of my life, and it should work for the rest of my life since I've already sort of come to terms with it.

Perhaps choosing to throw myself into my work would help to relieve some of this tension, but it cannot possibly help to stay in my working environment, because it is the source of the storms that rage within me, from both the past and present. A change of cubicle to somewhere less familiar did not really help to appease the ghosts of the past, while new clouds gather around my new seat to darken my skies.

Suddenly, I can identify and feel for people who have fallen victim to the demon they call depression, a demon that devours you from the inside and leaves you empty and hopeless. I am much more fortunate to have my pride and self confidence to shield me when these demons attack, but many people are not so fortunate.

That is not the only thing on my mind at this point in time. Playing indoor soccer at The Cage has once again reminded me of how old I really am, that my body no longer is able to rebuild and recover as fast as it used to. Fitness has long deserted me, and I have absolutely no source of motivation to get it back on track; in fact, I am surprised at what is actually spurring me on to continue with my plan to watch what I eat. Maybe my emotions CAN actually do something for me after all.

Now I know what people mean when they dread getting older. Especially when you have nothing to look forward to.

Saving grace.

There are many instances when work starts to bog me down. There are so many things I can critique about the system we work in, but to do so in the public domain would probably be suicidal. In such a stifling environment, there is no wonder why we always keep to ourselves, while the top brass wonders why they cannot illicit responses from the ground.

However, I guess I should consider myself fortunate that I derive a lot of satisfaction from many things, especially outside the staff room.

When I see a change in attitude, it really gives me a sense of satisfaction. When most of the class is willing to sit down and listen attentively to you as compared to relative chaos and mayhem a year or so ago, I really feel very appreciated and respected. I have always said that respect and the amount of effort we spend is mutual; the more respect you give me and the more the effort you put in, the more I reciprocate.

Other than that, the intensity I see in everyone's eyes when you're doing work and in the exam really comforts me. It tells me that all I have to do is to provide you with the chance and resources to learn, because all of you are willing to do it. I know not everyone out there is willing to give you the time and space to learn, and sometimes it is really discouraging, especially when people stick labels and tags on you. However, I am really encouraged when I see everyone work and try so hard, and this spurs me on to do more for you in return.

Perhaps, this is the only saving grace I have found in this dreary, stifling realm. Of course, I already knew what was in store for me when I chose this path.

So here, thank you 4T1'09, for being such a wonderful class to teach.

I wish you all the best in whatever you do in the future, because I believe all of you will go on to achieve things you never thought you could, simply because all of you have the drive and vigour to go on and do that.

All you need is the self belief.

An age old question.

The age old question that everyone asks themselves, but not everyone is able to answer, is something I'm contemplating now. The purpose of our life, the meaning of our existence. This is what happens when you have time on your hands.

I look around me, and see so many people, myself included, living purely for the moment; participating in all kinds of activities that satisfy our immediate need for some sort of stimuli, be it physical or mental, we drink, we play, we hang out. It has been quite a long time since I've really had a good, long chat with anyone that has any considerable depth, probably because of our natural tendency to not exhibit any form of insecurity or touch any raw nerve. Maybe we don't want to accidentally step on anyone's toes, perhaps we don't want anyone else to worry about us.

Is there one major, underlying thing that drives you to continue functioning as a social being? I am beginning to question that - I think that if there isn't something like that anymore, it is pretty sad, isn't it? If you're only living to wake up the next day and head for your routine job, trudge on till the evening, knock off to go home and do something to satiate your immediate need for something to occupy your mind, aren't we simply the robots Weber predicted us to become?

Even I can't find my answer to that question as of now. I don't even know why I'm here doing this in the first place! But one thing I'm pretty sure of, and that's when I start to teach, there's only one thing on my mind, and that's to do something for the students so that they become responsible, sensible Singaporeans. Until you change, teach, and guide our future generation, the traits of the typical Singaporean will never change. I want my students to know that you should stand aside and not block other people's way when you're waiting for a friend, or when you've met someone along Orchard Road; I want my students to readily give their seat up to someone else who is in need of it without having to think twice about being different from the rest; I want my students to pick up conspicuous pieces of litter on the floor that everyone looks at but doesn't want to pick up because they're afraid that other people might think they're trying to show off; I want my students to understand that respect is something that is mutual; I want my students to realise that they're extremely lucky to be even living here in a safe, peaceful environment.

I believe, when you truly appreciate all this, your grades will come naturally.

And I suppose, that is the answer to my question, at least for now - I want to change our future generation into one that is accepting and gracious, not one that is perpetually trapped in the rat race. You can't avoid the pursuit of material wealth today, but so long as they can stop for a minute our of the day and appreciate the things around them, that's good enough.

Have you answered your question today?

Frozen Heart.

Awakening.

To devoid oneself of warmth in the heart will relieve oneself of all pain.

To freeze oneself in a casing of unmelting ice provides oneself with the ultimate defense against sorrow.

From now on, my heart shall be frozen solid. No more pain, no more sorrow, no more ache.

How true has Eric Erikson's theory of psychosocial development turned out for me...

Holidays!

Well the holidays are here again. Seems as though the June holidays were just a while ago, and the old cliche again, how time flies when you're enjoying yourself.

Its time to catch up with some of the things that I've passed by, although it isn't really that much considering how much time I have on my hands even when I was in NIE. Its really a good time to do all the things I'm not going to have a chance to do once school starts officially, like my motorbike license, my health, and my Maat Cap...hehe.

Once again, however, it never fails to amaze me at how people lack common sense nowadays. Has modern society really turned everyone into unthinking, clockwork robots? What is causing all this desensitization? This coupled with the financial storm now, is giving me quite a lot to think about these days.

But nothing will stop me from Kboxing!

Loosening up.

Things are starting to fall into place in one way or another, so I can't really complain about anything now. I'm not working out as much as I would like to though, because my time really just comes in pockets now, and I have motorbike lessons to attend...just really want to try and get that out of the way now, but I guess I can't really rush it.

There seems to be a sort of tension that isn't letting up though. Its as if there's something bugging me at the back of my mind, and I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe I should just try to let everything go and let things unravel, instead of trying to preempt stuff all the time. Always been a person that takes things as they come anyway.

Well, today's limbus was touchy though. I don't blame MMG for feeling that way man, but these things do happen. I just hope he doesn't pull out of limbus just because of that, because its really just a small matter...can't blame Phlanx for wanting to get things over and done with either. Everyone has their way of thinking and their own values, but hey we're all in this together man. Take it easy...don't take it out on me :(

And despite all my skepticism of facebook, its actually a pretty good interaction platform, I must admit. Well if you can't beat em join em, I say.

All this while, I'm still thinking of you from time to time. Are you doing fine, are you happy now? I hope you are, and I hope you've finally settled down. Forget what the fortune teller said...your future is your's to shape. Who says you'll always just miss out on something? You're doing well now, right? I just can't bring myself to ask you about how you're doing though, without coming across as being too pretentious. All I dare to do, is post this here, a place where at least I've put my thoughts into. I guess you don't really need another guy to worry about you anyway...

I think I need another Kbox session soon...

Happy Birthday MM Lee~!

Our very own Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew turns 85 this week, Happy Birthday to him!

Such a farsighted leader only appears once in a blue moon, and our small humble country has a lot to thank him for. Despite all the criticism levelled against him and his political party, I am a staunch supporter of his all-action, no nonsense style of governance, which was very much needed in those tumulous times. Moreover, he has shown how much of a visionary he is through his guidance of our newer members of the government, his invaluable insights into public policy, as well as his ability to adapt to changing times; he knows that the modern Singaporean has easy access to information and no longer responds to strongarm tactics.

Hope you get well soon MM Lee. I'm sure an irregular heartbeat or two is not going to stop you.