A Frog Croaking...

Getting older.

2010-01-12T20:15:00.002+08:00

In a way, it is a sort of paradox that I feel relieved that not many people actually read the trash that I put here, even though the very reason I actually wrote this is because I would like people to read it. Well, I guess there are many things that are difficult to explain...

Like the emotional tension I'm feeling right now. Fear of failure and rejection is once again stopping me dead in my tracks, forcing me to kill all my emotions before they actually engulf me. It has worked so far, for the last 26 years of my life, and it should work for the rest of my life since I've already sort of come to terms with it.

Perhaps choosing to throw myself into my work would help to relieve some of this tension, but it cannot possibly help to stay in my working environment, because it is the source of the storms that rage within me, from both the past and present. A change of cubicle to somewhere less familiar did not really help to appease the ghosts of the past, while new clouds gather around my new seat to darken my skies.

Suddenly, I can identify and feel for people who have fallen victim to the demon they call depression, a demon that devours you from the inside and leaves you empty and hopeless. I am much more fortunate to have my pride and self confidence to shield me when these demons attack, but many people are not so fortunate.

That is not the only thing on my mind at this point in time. Playing indoor soccer at The Cage has once again reminded me of how old I really am, that my body no longer is able to rebuild and recover as fast as it used to. Fitness has long deserted me, and I have absolutely no source of motivation to get it back on track; in fact, I am surprised at what is actually spurring me on to continue with my plan to watch what I eat. Maybe my emotions CAN actually do something for me after all.

Now I know what people mean when they dread getting older. Especially when you have nothing to look forward to.

Saving grace.

2009-05-04T00:12:00.002+08:00

There are many instances when work starts to bog me down. There are so many things I can critique about the system we work in, but to do so in the public domain would probably be suicidal. In such a stifling environment, there is no wonder why we always keep to ourselves, while the top brass wonders why they cannot illicit responses from the ground.

However, I guess I should consider myself fortunate that I derive a lot of satisfaction from many things, especially outside the staff room.

When I see a change in attitude, it really gives me a sense of satisfaction. When most of the class is willing to sit down and listen attentively to you as compared to relative chaos and mayhem a year or so ago, I really feel very appreciated and respected. I have always said that respect and the amount of effort we spend is mutual; the more respect you give me and the more the effort you put in, the more I reciprocate.

Other than that, the intensity I see in everyone's eyes when you're doing work and in the exam really comforts me. It tells me that all I have to do is to provide you with the chance and resources to learn, because all of you are willing to do it. I know not everyone out there is willing to give you the time and space to learn, and sometimes it is really discouraging, especially when people stick labels and tags on you. However, I am really encouraged when I see everyone work and try so hard, and this spurs me on to do more for you in return.

Perhaps, this is the only saving grace I have found in this dreary, stifling realm. Of course, I already knew what was in store for me when I chose this path.

So here, thank you 4T1'09, for being such a wonderful class to teach.

I wish you all the best in whatever you do in the future, because I believe all of you will go on to achieve things you never thought you could, simply because all of you have the drive and vigour to go on and do that.

All you need is the self belief.

An age old question.

2008-12-22T10:13:00.002+08:00

The age old question that everyone asks themselves, but not everyone is able to answer, is something I'm contemplating now. The purpose of our life, the meaning of our existence. This is what happens when you have time on your hands.

I look around me, and see so many people, myself included, living purely for the moment; participating in all kinds of activities that satisfy our immediate need for some sort of stimuli, be it physical or mental, we drink, we play, we hang out. It has been quite a long time since I've really had a good, long chat with anyone that has any considerable depth, probably because of our natural tendency to not exhibit any form of insecurity or touch any raw nerve. Maybe we don't want to accidentally step on anyone's toes, perhaps we don't want anyone else to worry about us.

Is there one major, underlying thing that drives you to continue functioning as a social being? I am beginning to question that - I think that if there isn't something like that anymore, it is pretty sad, isn't it? If you're only living to wake up the next day and head for your routine job, trudge on till the evening, knock off to go home and do something to satiate your immediate need for something to occupy your mind, aren't we simply the robots Weber predicted us to become?

Even I can't find my answer to that question as of now. I don't even know why I'm here doing this in the first place! But one thing I'm pretty sure of, and that's when I start to teach, there's only one thing on my mind, and that's to do something for the students so that they become responsible, sensible Singaporeans. Until you change, teach, and guide our future generation, the traits of the typical Singaporean will never change. I want my students to know that you should stand aside and not block other people's way when you're waiting for a friend, or when you've met someone along Orchard Road; I want my students to readily give their seat up to someone else who is in need of it without having to think twice about being different from the rest; I want my students to pick up conspicuous pieces of litter on the floor that everyone looks at but doesn't want to pick up because they're afraid that other people might think they're trying to show off; I want my students to understand that respect is something that is mutual; I want my students to realise that they're extremely lucky to be even living here in a safe, peaceful environment.

I believe, when you truly appreciate all this, your grades will come naturally.

And I suppose, that is the answer to my question, at least for now - I want to change our future generation into one that is accepting and gracious, not one that is perpetually trapped in the rat race. You can't avoid the pursuit of material wealth today, but so long as they can stop for a minute our of the day and appreciate the things around them, that's good enough.

Have you answered your question today?

Frozen Heart.

2008-11-29T07:51:00.003+08:00

Awakening.

To devoid oneself of warmth in the heart will relieve oneself of all pain.

To freeze oneself in a casing of unmelting ice provides oneself with the ultimate defense against sorrow.

From now on, my heart shall be frozen solid. No more pain, no more sorrow, no more ache.

How true has Eric Erikson's theory of psychosocial development turned out for me...

Holidays!

2008-11-20T11:15:00.003+08:00

Well the holidays are here again. Seems as though the June holidays were just a while ago, and the old cliche again, how time flies when you're enjoying yourself.

Its time to catch up with some of the things that I've passed by, although it isn't really that much considering how much time I have on my hands even when I was in NIE. Its really a good time to do all the things I'm not going to have a chance to do once school starts officially, like my motorbike license, my health, and my Maat Cap...hehe.

Once again, however, it never fails to amaze me at how people lack common sense nowadays. Has modern society really turned everyone into unthinking, clockwork robots? What is causing all this desensitization? This coupled with the financial storm now, is giving me quite a lot to think about these days.

But nothing will stop me from Kboxing!

Loosening up.

2008-09-25T00:34:00.003+08:00

Things are starting to fall into place in one way or another, so I can't really complain about anything now. I'm not working out as much as I would like to though, because my time really just comes in pockets now, and I have motorbike lessons to attend...just really want to try and get that out of the way now, but I guess I can't really rush it.

There seems to be a sort of tension that isn't letting up though. Its as if there's something bugging me at the back of my mind, and I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe I should just try to let everything go and let things unravel, instead of trying to preempt stuff all the time. Always been a person that takes things as they come anyway.

Well, today's limbus was touchy though. I don't blame MMG for feeling that way man, but these things do happen. I just hope he doesn't pull out of limbus just because of that, because its really just a small matter...can't blame Phlanx for wanting to get things over and done with either. Everyone has their way of thinking and their own values, but hey we're all in this together man. Take it easy...don't take it out on me :(

And despite all my skepticism of facebook, its actually a pretty good interaction platform, I must admit. Well if you can't beat em join em, I say.

All this while, I'm still thinking of you from time to time. Are you doing fine, are you happy now? I hope you are, and I hope you've finally settled down. Forget what the fortune teller said...your future is your's to shape. Who says you'll always just miss out on something? You're doing well now, right? I just can't bring myself to ask you about how you're doing though, without coming across as being too pretentious. All I dare to do, is post this here, a place where at least I've put my thoughts into. I guess you don't really need another guy to worry about you anyway...

I think I need another Kbox session soon...

Happy Birthday MM Lee~!

2008-09-17T09:05:00.002+08:00

Our very own Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew turns 85 this week, Happy Birthday to him!

Such a farsighted leader only appears once in a blue moon, and our small humble country has a lot to thank him for. Despite all the criticism levelled against him and his political party, I am a staunch supporter of his all-action, no nonsense style of governance, which was very much needed in those tumulous times. Moreover, he has shown how much of a visionary he is through his guidance of our newer members of the government, his invaluable insights into public policy, as well as his ability to adapt to changing times; he knows that the modern Singaporean has easy access to information and no longer responds to strongarm tactics.

Hope you get well soon MM Lee. I'm sure an irregular heartbeat or two is not going to stop you.

Freedom within constraint

2008-09-13T10:12:00.003+08:00

I have this unprecedented feeling of freedom nowadays. I've never had the chance to do so many things in my life; I can swim three times a week, go for three bike lessons a week, have dinner with my friends, play FFXI, go kboxing, exercise my intellect (not all the time though, some assignments don't really require that), and get paid at the same time.

At the same time, I realise that all this will come to an end soon. Thus the feeling of constraint.

On the bright side, I really feel that this is one of the most fulfilling times of my life thus far. And I'm really making full use of it, so I guess I'm not complaining.

I'm just wondering if my habit of doing last minute work will catch up with me someday. I slept at 7 on tuesday night and woke up at 4 to do my ICT assignment, which I thought wouldn't be that hard, but I ended up finishing it only at 7 and had to take a cab because of the goddamn word limit and all the things I had to cut down. Gotta take these things into account next time I guess. Podcast assignment incoming too...

Seems strange that I don't really have a lot to say when things are going well.

I realised that my old blog is still there as well, but I can't access it because blogger says "It's dead". Hard to imagine I've been doing this for 4 years already, although not regularly. Always great to reminisce from time to time...and appreciate all the changes that I've been through all this while.

Sad to say, I've almost totally given up on finding a partner though. I have near zero confidence in myself when it comes to relationships now...I'm sick and tired of all the mind games. The only thing I want to show is the real me; I'm not going to spend all my effort on anyone who is not going to reciprocate anymore.

My heart will only go to one person, and one person alone...but that person will have to make me break out of this fortress I've built around myself to protect myself from being hurt. Unless I'm 99% confident, this fortress is staying guarded 24/7/365.25.

I just want to settle down and lead a simple life.

And I'll still do it, with or without someone by my side.

Maybe I don't deserve anyone by my side anyways.

If I had a million bucks...

2008-09-10T09:00:00.004+08:00

Oh man. If I had a million bucks...

Nah. Maybe I won't do all that...

I'll find somewhere where I can just dump it somewhere where there's more than 5% interest (CPF ordinary + special account), then leave it to rot...I mean grow.

Operation "Don't take cab don't buy extra stuff" has failed for this week. I need to work harder on it man...and I didn't swim this Monday because I was quite tired after the motorcycle practical. Think I will swim 30 laps today to make up for lost time...

Brooding

2008-09-03T09:22:00.003+08:00

I realised i'm a very brooding person, but i guess not always in a bad way.

What defines the word "brooding"? According to secret's psychology kit (sorry i forgot the term to use), brooding actually has a hint of pessimism in it. I don't feel that is necessarily the case though, because i tend to slip into periods of deep thought that are not purely pessimistic or sad.

Can't brooding mean the deconstruction of things i'm thinking about into its smallest and most basic components? I do that all the time.

I give my own meaning to "brooding".

And for some reason or another the song 不能说的秘密 keeps playing in my head. The piano intro is so mesmerizing, and the chorus is ringing non-stop in my head, dumping me into another bout of brooding (kapo style).

A tribute to my bros.

2008-07-24T09:52:00.004+08:00

I guess after my stint of teaching and writing 39 cards telling each and every student in my (ex)form class about their qualities really made me want to do this.

Sometimes, people just simply start to take the good things for granted, and start to focus only on the bad. I am not sure when this just triggered in my mind, but somehow or other, I just really feel like telling everyone in my life how great you are. So I will just put it here (to fulfill my exhibitionist tendencies).

So, this is to all my bros. Sorry, but I do not have many good female friends. My life will only have one space for the one woman in my life, no other. Call it pathetic, but hey...I don't really care. So, bros only.

Thank you shao for never failing to drag me back into reality when my idealistic side starts to go into overdrive, and for all the witty little titbits you're always coming up with. Nothing feels the same without you man, you're the boss. I've learnt a lot about being practical and sensible from you.

Thank you beng for simply being there. Your presence is enough to lighten up the atmosphere, and introduce a sense of haphazardness (if there's such a word) and disorganization...which makes things really fun sometimes. What strikes me the most is your determination and drive...although it doesn't always last all the way.

Thank you mot for being a great listener. Not just that, but your extremely unique viewpoint makes it really interesting sometimes, and although you may not realise it, you dish out pretty good advice from time to time.

Thank you yinhao for your nonsense. Slapping, pinching, poking people out of nothing, plus all the crap that you sometimes spout which borderlines on the irritating, really livens up a lot of things. Hey, you give some sound advice from time to time that actually makes sense too, don't want to discredit you man.

Thank you bruce for always talking for the sake of talking and all the lame stuff that comes out from your mouth. Without all those, you're not yourself. Even so, you've proved to be a real gem of a friend who always helps whenever you can, even though you live a bit further from us. Hope your unparalleled perserverance (i'm sure it doesn't just apply to your games) will bring you far.

Thank you camel for showing us all the ruthless tricks you can unleash on your opponents. It is a constant reminder of how cruel the world out there is, and the bullshit that comes out from your mouth is absolutely hilarious, not to mention all the shit that we've gone through in the past. Thanks for reminding me to watch my wallet again man.

Thank you keong for a different type of bullshit. Your exaggerated expressions and dramatic tone of voice never fails to amaze and amuse me, and you've made it look so natural that i'm really convinced you're a natural comedian. On a more serious note...your drive, positive outlook towards life, and how you treat Eliz is something I really look up to. I have seriously, never seen a more responsible and devoted partner.

I left secrets for last...because I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling the distance now. We're all worried about you man. But as long as you believe in what you do, I guess its fine, because in the cold light of day, you really do have the financial muscle to be able to pursue all your dreams and partake in whatever you want to. I really enjoy a lot of the intellectual talk that we have, because you're the only one in our group that has been exposed to the same stuff. It just feels good to have you around, can't put my finger on it.

Well I tried to make sure as far as possible not to put anything negative inside, but hey...I was never one to mince words.

But then, I've always believed in both positive and negative reinforcement...SO I SHALL NOT HESITATE TO LAMBAST YOU WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING STUPID! RAWR~ (this is probably more like me right...)

Don't check back here all the time man, I rarely write anything here unless I really have something to say anyways.

Long live the brotherhood.

Deflated.

2008-03-17T02:07:00.003+08:00

Can't sleep.

It is during these times, that I truly realise how low my self confidence is, as well as how easily defeated I am.

I think I'm too sensitive. Rejection is part and parcel of life, after all. But I am still unable to cope well with it, and I'm wondering when I will ever be able to do it.

Welcome to the school of life. Unsheltered, unprotected, unforgiving.

Perhaps fate deems me unworthy of a person by my side, and maybe I truly don't deserve it. I have to stop letting this get in the way of my work though.

Refreshed.

2008-03-13T10:47:00.004+08:00

Feeling good after a fulfilling dinner and a good night's sleep. Those dumplings had like, 2 whole prawns each, I think even my dim sum craving is gone now. But the garlic was quite potent...I could still smell my vampire slaying breath in the morning despite brushing my teeth.

I just said I was going to save, but one day after payday I only have a thousand left for the month. Maybe its time to revert back to the bread and water/instant noodle days, might help with my waistline too. This rain is disrupting my usual jogging routine, which isn't helping. Must train up before I clear my IPPT...which I have never cleared in my life.

Work can wait till later. For now, its time to rest and relax.

Can't wait for the new computer to arrive later in the day. In the meantime, its Dynasty Warriors time...

Sense of Calm.

2008-03-12T14:34:00.002+08:00

Suddenly, I feel a sense of calm.

It is time to refocus. And find my purpose.

Find someone to work for. Fingers crossed, it will come soon. I'm tired of being alone, but I'm not going to force it.

Take it slowly, bit by bit. Because only then, can you truly understand a person.

Time to keep my emotions in check, letting it loose too often.

And its time to save. Although I've failed to do it for the past 3 months...

But all in all, I suddenly feel much more relaxed, focused, and calm. Maybe its all the FFXI...

Occupying my mind.

2008-03-09T17:58:00.002+08:00

At least it works.

And the pain is subsiding a lot faster now, so I guess I'm getting used to it.

The camp was a great spirit building exercise for the kids, I was quite surprised to see them all actually cooperating fully, albeit with a few...small exceptions. I'm still quite disturbed to see how pampered the typical Singaporean secondary school student is though.

A reminder for myself, never to take the comforts of home for granted.

And to make sure my kids in the future don't either.

Holidays are here for the kids, not for us though. Going back to school everyday means I should be seeing you often, but it doesn't matter anyway, does it? I'm nothing to you anyway.

Stuffing my mind with FFXI and Winning Eleven (and Dynasty Warriors 6, soon) to forget you. And to a certain extent, its working.

I'm confused.

2008-03-04T19:58:00.002+08:00

有时给我温柔，有时又不睬我。

Do I mean anything to you? Or am I just a substitute?

Does a girl mean anything when she touches your face? Or are you just being cheeky?

I wanted to cover you with your umbrella from behind so I could shelter you easily, and just follow your pace. But you held on to my side and nudged me ahead.

I wish we could stand there forever.

Thank you for thinking about me sometimes. Like putting the ziplock bags I needed into my bag.

Maybe its because of him you're not replying my messages, but I guess that's what happens anyway.

But I miss the times when you replied really fast. That was when I really felt I meant something to you.

I guess I'll have to live with being the substitute for now. What I'm really fearing now, is him showing up with you at the camp.

I don't think I can take it. I'll probably hide somewhere and cry.

Gotta stop.

2008-03-01T16:45:00.003+08:00

Gotta stop banging the brick wall.

Why am I still sending you smses even though I know you're not going to reply?

Is this your way of telling me to go away and leave you alone?

I guess I will.

I'll just watch from a distance and wish you happiness, smile when you smile, weep when you cry. Even though you will never know.

I wanted to ask if you needed any help on Friday...but his face flashed across my mind, and I just felt totally sick. That's why I sort of paused when I stepped into your cubicle. I really wanted to help you with anything I could have, so that you might have been able to leave earlier...be able to enjoy your weekend.

You looked tired and irritated...and didn't even look straight at me when I walked in. I immediately regretted not offering my help the moment I stepped out of the office, but I simply cannot stand the sight of him. So I steeled myself and walked out of the school gate.

But I just cannot stand the sight of him. I'm sorry. I still feel guilty for not helping...that's why I smsed you in the afternoon.

I'm quite tired of crashing into a wall of silence. So I guess it will stop here.

That doesn't mean I'm gone. I will always be there for you if you ever need me, even though it doesn't seem like you will in the near future.

I just hope you're really happy with him.

I almost tore up the Singapore Flyer tickets, but I'll leave it in my drawer for now I guess.

At least it can serve as...a reminder, or perhaps a lesson in life.

You make me smile.

2008-02-26T22:17:00.002+08:00

Everything you do makes me smile...

Don't know if I look really silly sometimes, but yeah, that's what I do all the time when I'm with you I think. Looking at the stray pups outside school, humming lame songs to irritate me, chatting in the bus, or having a meal together...all makes me really happy.

Bad incident today though. I thought you were really quite shaken...hope you're all right now. For a moment I really felt like going back to kick that guy's ass, but I realised I can't find out who he is anyway.

But I must say, when you told me you quarrelled with him, the first reaction in my heart was NOT a smile, it was a sigh followed by a hint of sadness.

Because I know it doesn't feel good.

Honest! I'm not happy about it, because I know you aren't.

Just know that I'm here for you.

Thank you for allowing me to keep you company today, although you wanted to be alone...

My ears are always yours.

2008-02-23T08:38:00.003+08:00

My ears will always be available for you.

Thank you for confiding so much in me. To me, it is a great feeling to, at least, be able to listen to your troubles, even though I am not the you are sharing the burden with.

Shouldn't the person you love be helping you and supporting you, instead of giving you even more things to think about? This is a very selfish statement from my side, but love is selfish.

Maybe it's time you looked for someone who can give you what you've always wanted. To let you take up your interests, to care for you wholeheartedly, to love you, not themselves. So many people go into a relationship for their selfish wants and perceived "needs", but how many actually base their relationship on what they themselves can do for their partner, instead of what their partner can give to them?

I've always believed the way you do, that love is a two-way thing. Many people say it, but they can't do it. They only think about what they want for themselves. Especially the guys.

The song 有心人，有情人 really illustrates this point really well. Thanks to Shao who 1st introduced me to the song, I've always loved it. And of course, thank you Joi Tsai for her lovely vocals.

“你问我爱几次，伤几分，才有感觉幸福的可能？”

“只怪世界太少有心人，却有太多有情人。”

I won't lie, I'm a selfish person. I want to love and be loved as well. But I believe, I'm a 有心人.

Talk is cheap. I may never have a chance to prove it to you, but I will wait.

Until the day you tell me to get out of your life.

It hurts.

2008-02-20T20:04:00.004+08:00

You made me feel like a pest you couldn't wait to get rid off today.

"I can peacefully eat my KFC alone at home..."

I was waiting for you to finish your work so I could at least walk you home...

"不走我不等你咯..."

And you walked away at full pace.

To you, every second you talk about him is a second of happy memories; to me, it translates into a minute of grief. You had to put it so graphically as well...

"我躺在他旁边,面对面..."

And for the knockout punch, you didn't tell me he was waiting for you at the bus stop, where I stupidly alighted because I thought you were going home alone.

All I could muster was, "bye bye..."

It hurts. Big time. I get the hint.

I'll keep my Singapore Flyer tickets deep inside my drawer.

But, no matter what happens, I'll always be an sms away. Anywhere, anytime, anyday. Nothing I've written to you has changed...but I'm probably just an eyesore to you now.

As long as you're happy.

I can only hope.

2008-02-19T17:49:00.003+08:00

Will we ever have dinner together again?

Will you go to the Singapore Flyer with me one day?

Will things go back to what it used to be?

I can only blame myself for how things have turned out.

I can only hope.

Melodies of Life

2008-02-18T21:34:00.000+08:00

Wonder if this will be another half hearted attempt to post stuff. The old blog's long dead and buried, and I can't even retrieve my old posts, or at least I don't know how to. At least the exhibitionist in me still wants me to do something instead of nothing, so here I am, blogging again. Although nobody might ever read this anyway.

And no, I'm not putting in a tagboard anymore, after my prior experiences with it. So, I'm sorry guys. Sms me if you think it's too troublesome to create an account just to put in comments...

Perhaps, tucked away in this obscure corner of cyberspace, I will be able to vent my frustrations and at least, have an outlet of releasing stress, although I feel that I'm coping well enough. Never really feel stressed anyway, especially from work...it's just how you look at things. Well, recently other things have occupied my mind anyway.

A new stage of life begins, a third of my life has passed somewhat eventfully. In frog terms I guess that makes me a tadpole with hind legs and a gradually shrinking tail. From the top boy in primary 1 and 2, to an average kid in the top class in primary 6, to the cream of the crap in Chinese High, to the worst kid in National Junior College, to the chao keng kia pre-DB, and the new-and-improved version post-DB, and subsequently a much more socially sensitized man post university, to the untrained teacher I am today, it has been quite a ride.

I never quite pictured myself to be what I am today, actually.

But what I would never have guessed, is your introduction to my life, again. To be honest, my life revolves around you now. I'm not sure if I would have the same passion in school towards my students without you around...I might just become another one of those teachers whom I shall not name here; procrastinating away while constantly trying to dodge anything thrown at his path.

I've already said everything I've wanted to say though, so I shall say no more even if there are so many things I want to say...I know you're happy with him by your side, and nothing will change if I say anymore anyway, because you've already made it very clear. All I can do is, at least, try to make sure nobody hurts you.

Never has my heart felt so heavy in my life.

Hope you stay happy, always.

May Fate bless this poor frog (since I never believed in God, anyway).